Take your time, change begins with you !!

 I have not been myself completely over the past one year, and to speak the truth I knew exactly what mistakes I am doing and even knew by heart what I can do to avoid those mistakes. But, still apart of me drifted away and wanted to swing by the person I dearly thought was in love with me. 

I know he did care, still does but our relationship ended on a rocky path because somehow he got conflicted between his family and his love or he decided to make the choice that was far easier for him. A break up was normal, we could've have both stopped talking, but the attachment the endlessness' to be closer to one another never really separated us. 

He got engaged and I felt like thousands of steel knives stabbed my heart all at once. Betrayal, loss of appetite, loss of everything was the only feeling I felt. My tears wouldn't stop, I opened my heart to my mother and cried like a baby and hugged her so tightly and I still remember never wanting to leave her because at that very moment I thought if I let go of my mother I would fall apart. She held me close into her arms and allowed me to cry without asking any questions, without interfering in the process of grieving she allowed me to just vent it all out. 

I could notice the red flags in our relationship but never really had the courage to speak about them or confront him because somewhere I had this fear in my mind that he might leave me if I got too critical or what if he feels I am doubting him  so I ignored those lies that turned out to be the one of the major reasons behind our ending as he was never quite the man I thought he would be. 

I used to go back and forth to every conversation, desperately remembering every hour of the moment we spend together to see what went wrong, what did I do to deserve his betrayal, how could I just reverse all this. Started doubting myself, my looks, my body, wasn't comfortable with my own shape thought to myself maybe I am  overweight, I am short heighted, may be it's the complexion of my skin Am I too dark. My self esteem went down the hill and I was on the path of negativity started picking out the smallest details and blamed others for that just to vent out all the frustration in me. 

Started questioning my career choices, blamed God for separating us, took anxiety pills just to escape the nightmares and sleeping was not to feel rested but was becoming one of my escapism so that I could not feel the tormented pain that was fluttering in my chest. One moment I was happy the very next I would be thinking; oh he is going to walk down the aisle with someone this year, oh he is going to be dancing, enjoying the wedding festivities live out all our wishes with someone else and why not me, why I am not with him, could not take myself out from all these thoughts was just not ready to accept that the person I loved so dearly had moved on.  I kept grudges in my heart, stalked his profile millions of times, wondered what he must be doing, played and replayed conversations in my head as if we were together. 

All in all I was just not ready to let go of him, the seven stages of grievance was a process that I was stopping because I was just to afraid to feel the pain of someone cheating on me. The person I thought I would grow old with, the person I loved more than myself never loved me enough to stand the difficult times with me but instead chose to walk away leaving me heartbroken. 

Healing honestly has taken a lot of time and frankly speaking I still am healing from all the hatred that I have consumed inside me for him, from all the grudges that I kept were a big huddle for me to cross over to see the light of positivity and to embark  on a journey of self love. Sometimes it's easy to hate the person in order to let go of the past but I found it more difficult because with hate inside me for him it became more and more difficult to let go, I didn't wanted him back but just wasn't ready to accept that he cheated on me, he lied and was not ready to see him with anyone else. Used to think to myself the situation would have been different if I just spoke at the right moment, confronted the girl whom I knew he was cheating with. 

These thoughts were hard to erase and I just could not breath yet alone use my energy into something else. I went in to a very dark phase of my life. If it hadn't been my mother, my friends and the one's that truly loved me I don't think I would have regain consciousness and loved myself again. My family and friends allowed me to take my time in order to mend my broken heart and I am so grateful for them to always sticking by my side. 

I know it's hard to let go of the past and to forgive the person who left you but believe me it's for the very good that's going to shine you up like no other. Believe me when I say that God works in mysterious ways, it's Him saving us from something big that we could have never endured or overcome so easily. It's His love and His way of telling us that He has planned a greater good and all we need is to believe Him. 

It's not your fault that you lost the person, it's actually the other way around, it's their lost that they didn't realized the love that was so pure and ready to walk to the heaven and back with you. You loved them with so much purity, poured every single thing out for them, cried your eyes out when they were in pain. But it's not worth it really not worth it because at the end of the day it's their loss and you have experienced what love shouldn't feel like. Love is about giving and receiving, when it takes a 360 turn and you start feeling that you're the only one giving and the communication becomes more of a hesitation than it's toxicity and nothing more. 

Forgiveness has allowed me to heal myself and move past the consumption of hatred build inside. The moment I forgave him and the moment I realized what mattered the most to me and indulging in these negativities made me loose so much of myself that I stopped smiling, stopped caring, stopped myself from becoming the person I once was. I regained my happiness and I prayed to the Lord, for bringing me back and never leaving me for once in this difficult time. 

I now understand and encourage people to express their hardships, talk about their failures and learn from those experiences because there's always a lesson in those sufferings. Inspirations and motivational speeches would not help unless you yourself are ready to begin the change, I admit it takes times but see the one's standing right besides you to walk alongside you on this journey to self love and forgiveness.