Claiming my peace one day at a time !!


 

A lot has went by in this past week and i never got the time to sit back and reflect on it. Now at 6:36 am in the morning Pakistani time it hits me that i am my own reason who's been a barrier towards my eternal peace. 

Giving my steering of life in the hands of a wrong person, and accepting i am worth this because the trauma bond is not letting us move forward and I am also somewhat responsible for his bad health as i have been triggering his emotions in the most abusive ways. 

After coming into this relationship i have lost a part of my personality that did not needed to please in order to be seen and i have my fair share of lies too but i have been a hypocrite in order to be superior to him and somewhere this guilt is eating me alive that every time i have to superficial and be the most pretentious person in front of him. I have to act in a certain way to show him of how much deserving i am and without this fake façade he wouldn't accept me. 

I am not the same and i have been recently questioning my choices, my conscious a lot i mean a whole lot, i cannot say no to people, i am the most absurd person when it comes to confrontations and if i am being honest i pretend to be knowledgeable about certain things but who am i kidding i am not that much equipped but this desire to be seen as someone who is presentable, feminine and the most calm and collected woman is too much agonizing this act of hypocrisy has fucked me up and honestly i am lost and exhausted my own lies are consuming me and in order to make those lies the truth i am running and not breathing. 

Hovering at someone to be with me and not ready to accept the fact that we both are not good for either of us. I have started to compare myself with a person that i know doesn't gives a shit about me and has helped me to see things clearer but my insecurities are not letting me see who i am or was and this person is just not me. 

After gotten hit by a truck and even though I was safe and the car got damaged no serious injuries. I came home terrified knowing my father is going to strike like Zeus, But to my surprise both my parents were amazingly sweet nurturing and loved me thanking God i wasn't hurt in the process and continued to support me in every possible way and i was ashamed to be an unfaithful daughter to them who lies and manipulates facts to be seen as pure and pious. 

Need some serious changes and i am giving myself this aim to be a dutiful person not only to my parents but to myself as well because i have damaged my self esteem literally and it's hurts to see i am not healing and going down the same patterns over and over again. 

It's me who has been blocking peace and happiness relying on some one for both the traits that i know i hold the power to. And he has been trying but i have lost a part of me in these past 3 years and i haven't made any progress. I was so focused on being available for him that i lowered my morals and values and started pleasing him and everything i did for him was just in hopes for him to see me as the best lady that he could ever get. And how wrong i was to fully surrender to some one that i knew clearly wasn't ready to commit and i justified his actions that actually concerned me but i kept my silence because i thought i would never find love again. 

And now i question myself why am i in so much need of finding love when i am surrounded by so many loving people and how can i ignore them in order to be always available for that one person and i tried my best to be always present but the same never reciprocated and i have to quit this relation  because it has changed me and i am not able to focus on myself or things that actually give me joy. 

21 days is the target and i will share my progress and pray that i do make this pattern change and reclaim my peace of mind one day at a time !!  

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